witty-remark's Diaryland Diary

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It wasn’t a head-over-heels, can’t live, breathe, or eat, burning up embers in the chambers of my heart kind of love. It didn’t happen suddenly. I didn’t just know.

There was of course the infatuation at first; the lust, the obsession, the unquenchable curiosity to always know more about you—of you. But none of it was instantaneous.

When I realized I loved you, I did so only because I spent so long trying to convince myself I didn’t. In my mind, I’d speak and unintentionally say “I love him”, then have a mental stutter and edit myself: “well...not love. You don’t love him. You don’t even know what love is.” The more effort I put into masking the love I felt for you, the more frequent the thoughts and slip of the heart would occur. I finally grew to accept it. I loved you. The clouds didn’t part, the birds didn’t chirp, and though my heart didn’t seize up with passion, it had finally been uncloaked. And that was something that I never needed to question I loved. It felt so liberating to for once in my life not be at odds with this temperamental heart of mine. To have my brain at last agree with it.

The way this love emerged was nothing like the movies all of my life had conditioned me to believe. Not even similar to what my friends told me to expect. But I suspect people idealize love. What they told me could have been reality, or it could have been reality draped with a layer of fantasy; of what they wanted their love to be. But what’s so wrong with a realistic love? A practical one? I grew into this like an over-sized sweater that overwhelmed me at first. Yet how comfortable and warm it feels to have it wrapped around me now.

After I met you, I was convinced I would date you. I have the proof.


There was a connection that escaped articulation. A knowing that still stirs. I can close my eyes and think of you calling and my phone rings. I imagine running into you, and on the next step see you winding around a corner. Even right now as I type this, you suddenly, with no conversation to precede it, text me.

I am a romantic and a sceptic all at once, and as such, a walking conflict. However, now I feel both sides can embrace the other. I can tell my brain to be less strict with my heart, and my heart to be less reckless with itself. And because of this, I also can be honest with myself. Would I like to believe you are the man of my dreams? The one that sweeps me off my feet at every breath and sigh? The one I’ll marry? No, and I can’t. You aren’t “the one,” but you are the one that I love right now. And just as I knew I’d date you, I know I will eventually break up with you—or you with me. You will be a first for me in many respects; somebody that helps me transform for the better, and though I don’t believe we’re meant to be together forever, I believe we’re meant to be together right now.

12:40 a.m. - Monday, Dec. 13, 2010

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